There are many reasons why you would to contact your ex after a break up. Maybe you want to apologize. Maybe you want to try and talk them into giving you another chance. Maybe you just want to see how they’re doing. It is usually about either (1) getting closure, or (2) developing/maintaining your relationship with them.
One phone call is not necessarily a bad thing.
One phone call at fifteen minute intervals, 712 text messages a day, and random”drive-by-their-house-just-to-see-if-they’re-home” midnight stalker runs is a very, very bad thing.
Point being? Many people struggle to find that balance. You still have feelings for your ex, so you’re willing to do whatever it takes. The sad part is that “whatever it takes” only serves to push your ex further away.
So, let’s talk about contacting your ex after a break up.
Situation 1 – Your break up was recent. You would like to get back together with them, but you have some unresolved issues. What should you do?
Answer – It depends on how long it has been since you last spoke. There needs to be a time for both of you to cool off and get your heads straight. It also depends on who ended the relationship. If your ex is the one who broke things off, wait at least a month before contacting them. If they initiate contact, and you’re sure they are not leading you on, you may have an open door to calmly express your feelings, as well as listen to theirs.
Situation 2 – There has been a lot of misunderstandings. Things have been blown way out of proportion. You want your ex to have their space, but you’re unsure of what to do to resolve the hurt and confusion.
Answer - Write them a note. Their response (or lack of) will be your answer. Do not bombard them with email and text messages. One will do.
Situation 3 – You were the one to break up with your ex. You realize you made a mistake, and you feel guilty about it. What should you do?
Answer – Put your pride aside. It’s time to contact your ex with an apology, a sincere apology. Maybe you said things you didn’t mean, or did other things to hurt your partner. Take things into consideration and make amends.
We have a great (free) resource to help you in writing a small note, something that may help in any of the above situations (or any situation really). The link is below. We have found this to be one of the most effective strategies for getting back together, and highly recommend it, as long as you are sincere.
Now, for the big question. What if your ex doesn’t want to talk to you?
What if you contact them and they are angry, cold, or distant. Understand this may be part of the process. Keep your cool, and try not to get your feelings hurt or your temper flaring. Just wait a week or so and try again. Don’t come across as desperate, needy, or as a stalker.
Don’t play games, and don’t deliberately hold of contact. A lot of the “relationship advice” out there says do this. Truthfully, this only sends the signal that you never really cared in the first place. On the other hand, contact too much is not very appealign either, and may only push your ex further away. The best thing is to try and “put the ball in their court” by writing that small note we mentioned earlier.
Your Guide To Writing A Small Note
Rooting for YOU,
Jay
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